


Curiosity killed the Arcona

by Lasgalendil



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: CT-21-0408| CT-1409| Echo is a nerd, CT-27-5555 | ARC-5555 | Fives is a Little Shit, Clone Troopers Deserve Better (Star Wars), Clones, Gen, Humor, Kaminoans Being Assholes (Star Wars), Planet Kamino (Star Wars), Pre-Episode: s01e05 Rookies, especially human reproduction, especially not to clone cadets, no beta we die like domino squad, reptile bounty hunters don't teach mammalian reproduction, teachers don't get paid enough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:28:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29231535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lasgalendil/pseuds/Lasgalendil
Summary: The cadets were bound to ask sooner or later. El-Les just wishes it’d been someone else.
Relationships: Cutup & Droidbait & Echo & Fives & Hevy (Star Wars), Cutup & Droidbait & Echo & Fives & Hevy (Star Wars) & El-Les
Comments: 4
Kudos: 36





	Curiosity killed the Arcona

“And that’s the new attack strategy,” El-Les concludes. “Any questions?”

“Sir?”

“Questions,” he repeats. “Any questions.”

“Uh, sir?!” The men— _boys_ , really—stare blankly back at him.

El-Les sighs. Soldiers followed orders, yes, but the most effective combatants could think on their feet, make split-second decisions. These clone cadets had been trained under strict regimens and schedules, never given time or space to act for themselves. “A question is when you seek more information or clarification on a subject,” he explains.

“We _know_ what a question is,” CT-782 insists. The other four nod their agreement.

“Well, do you have any?” El-Les prompts.

They turn their blank stares to each other.

“Where do babies come from?” CT-5555—the one who insists on being called ‘Fives’—blurts.

“Incubation vats,” CT-782 rolls his eyes. “In the Hatchery.”

“No, the natural born ones,” CT-5555 frowns.

“Idiot,” CT-4040 says. “They come from incubation vats, too. They’ve just got unique DNA.”

“They’ve all got unique DNA!” CT-1409 pipes, and the others snicker.

“Got anything else to echo, Echo?”

CT-1409 ignores him. “I’ve read they’ve got DNA from two donors—is that true?”

“Er,” El-Les struggles. “These weren’t the sort of questions—“

“How can they have DNA from _two different donors_?” CT-5555 argues.

“Yeah. Don’t be ridiculous.” CT-4040 agrees.

CT-00-2010 has his hand raised, swaying on the spot to gain his attention.

“CT-00-2010,” El-Les calls on him in relief. “What’s your question.”

“What’s a Twi’lek?” he wonders.

“Oh, like General Shi!” CT-4040 blurts, miming humanoid mammalian secondary sexual characteristics, albeit crudely. “But you know, with two.”

“Ugh.” CT-00-2010 blanches. “I thought they were supposed to be pretty. Don’t they make them with just one? Or none?”

“Er,” El-Les responds. “I believe Togrutans have three. Twi’leks have two.”

“Wait,” CT-782 interrupts. “Togrutans have _how many_ —?!”

“Three,” CT-1409 scoffs, counting. “A right lek, a left lek, and a back lek.”

“Oh.” CT-782 nods in understanding. “I thought he meant tits.”

El-Les nearly chokes on his tongue.

“Don't you mean _mammary glands_ —?” CT-1409 asks.

“Well, I dunno, now do I?” CT-782 glares. “The ARC troopers call them tits.”

“Twi’lek this, Togrutan that,” CT-00-2010 sighs. “What’s a female _human_ even look like?”

“The same,” CT-4040 gestures again. “Just without, you know, the leks.”

“Lekku,” CT-4019 corrects.

“Bless you,” CT-782 snorts. It earns him a glare.

“Yeah? And how would you even know?” CT-5555 insists.

CT-4040 sniffs. “I’ve met them.”

“You mean you’ve seen _contraband holoscans_ ,” CT-5555 laughs, and gives him a celebratory punch. "Same as everyone else." CT-4040 scowls.

Well. _That_ was certainly something the Kaminoans wouldn’t approve of. The Jedi either, he supposes. But El-Les resolves not to tell them—that conversation was well above his pay grade. He’s training soldiers, not parenting children. Let the humans with their strange hang-ups about instructing their species on sexual activity deal with this. 

“Wait,” CT-5555 frowns. “General Ti and Doctor Se are both females of their species, but all our other instructors are _male_.”

“Yeah,” CT-782 agrees. “That’s weird!”

They nod in confusion, and turn to him. “Why?”

“To prevent pregnancy!” CT-1409 says excitedly, reading from his datapad. “At least that’s what the reg manuals say—Listen: ’Historically, cross-species and same-sex instructors as well as pharmaceutical castration were utilized to prevent pregnancy and off-spring induced attachments. But genetic manipulation advances have rendered these techniques obsolete, and our buyers can be assured all Kamino-manufactured Clones are 100% sterile.’”

El-Les is a mercenary. He’s fought alongside and against child soldiers before. Still. He’s starting to question this whole cloning business. What’s the Republic—what are _the Jedi Order_ —doing involved in an operation like this?

“Well, _you’re_ no help,” CT-782 scowls. “What the kriff even is a pregnancy, anyway.”

“It’s a growth jar. You know. For natural borns.” CT-1409 informs him with an air of superiority. “Right, sir?”

Five pairs of eyes look to him expectantly.

El-Les sighs. Rubs a palm to his infrared gland. He does _not_ get paid enough for this. “You know what, training cancelled.” The cadets cheer. Let them go learn about it from someone else. Preferably _mammalian_. No rational species ought to attach so much stigma and societal pressures to sex. Incubating their young internally and no seasonal mating cycles or parthenogenesis were one thing, but why humans insisted on constructs such as marriages and monogamy instead of social rearing of their young he would never understand.

* * *

“See?” Fives turns to Domino squad with a grin. “I told you it’d work!”

“Ugh, whatever,” CT-782 huffs. “I’d still rather be training anyways.”

“Okay, but where _do_ natural borns come from?” CT-00-2010 wonders.

“No idea,” Fives scratches the back of his neck. “The ARC-troopers just said it’d be funny.”

“They also incorrectly referred to mammary glands as ‘tits’,” Echo reminds him with a frown.

“That’s what they call them in the holos, too!” CT-782 insists.

“Well I don’t think your holos are a very reliable source of information,” Echo sniffs.

“Unlike your precious _reg manuals_ ,” CT-4040 rolls his eyes.

“Alright, then, big brains: Where do natural borns come from?” CT-782 says.

“Well, according to the _reg manual_ ,” Echo emphasizes, “‘offspring of different species come from sexual or asexual reproduction, or both.’” He turns the datapad to share the diagrams of cellular division. “See?”

They squint in silence for a moment.

“Well, that doesn’t clear things up at all!” Fives grumbles.

“Okay,” CT-00-2010 allows with a frown. “But where does this ‘haploid DNA’ come from—?”

“Sexual reproduction, who kriffing cares? Sounds boring, anyways,” CT-782 yawns. “Now who wants to hit up that artillery range?”


End file.
